Oh I wish..

Had a wonderful dream last night. Wish I knew more details, but its one of those dreams where I only remember the best part and tid bits of the rest. It seemed like I was at a boarding school. There were roommates and schedules we had to follow. I don’t necessarily know why we were there.

The ending was me and my forever crush connor. We were in his room and getting playful. For some reason I was so into it because in the back of my mind I knew it was taboo. Maybe because I couldn’t be in his room or just rules against having sex. But it felt amazing. unfortunately… My dream ended before we could finish.

I woke up, and as soon as I realized I was just dreaming… I rolled my eyes in complete disappointment. Maybe one day, who knows. For know I will keep that mind-memory. 

Hey Rabs, it’s me pops…

I lay here listening to myself repeat the voicemail you left me “…just called to say I love you, okay… bye bye”.
Several words bring me to tears, not on account to the meaning, but of the sound. The sound is so familiar but I cannot put a face.
I miss those blue eyes that were so comforting. That looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I knew whenever you looked at me, I would be yours forever, your little girl.
I miss seeing those eyes paired with that crooked smile. The two belonged together.
The way you presented yourself, said nothing but protection and happiness. The little one shoulder shrug you did when you laughed. The way your face lit up when you cracked up at your own “lame” jokes. Your laughter is contagious, so loud and profound, then goes to a steady quiet chuckle. I miss it all.
When you came downstairs after a shower. The scent of Old Spice lingered in the air. It was spicy; it was you. I own a bottle, not to put on, just to remind me what you smell like. It brings tears to my eyes, not from the potency, but the heavy memories that it carries.
I miss the sound of your slippers. Coming down the stairs it was all your weight, but they scuffed the floor as you moved about. They were like dance steps. I just knew it was you.
But all I have are these memories. I wait for your goodnight kiss and tuck. You don’t come. I wait to hear you turn off the hallway light. It doesn’t click. I wait for you to call Drew. I can’t hear either. I wait to see your face. I realize I’m not dreaming.
I miss you more than you can imagine dad. I miss your hug. I miss your voice. I miss your face. I miss being with you.
It’s these memories that are so bitter-sweet. I’m lucky to have them, to remind me of you and what we had. But they keep bringing me back to reality; making me realize they are but only memories and not something that will come tonight or the next day.

Her

He threw her on the bed. She was half conscious from the alcohol. She made a small moan, but didn’t move.
He told her to get comfortable, to take off her clothes, whatever made her more comfortable.

He brushed his teeth, changed in the bathroom, put on his deodorant, and crawled into bed with her. He put his arm around her, grabbed her to move her closer.
He couldn’t stop staring. He felt her legs with his other hand. Swept his hand across her face and then through her dark brown hair.

She flinched.

His hand then moved to her hips, around her stomach, then a small feel on the butt. Yes she was wearing lace.
He let out a sigh, tug on the panty just a little, and opened his eyes.
She made a whimpering noise, he looked at her face. Hair was sheltering her eyes. He gently pushed aside the hair. He stared at her. He watched her eyes roll under their lids.
He touched her cheeks. It felt smooth and warm. One more time.
His eyes wandered toward her panties. He clenched his jaw.
Inhale.
Exhale.
He took her shirt off, gently enough to not wake her. She was exposed. Red bra to match the red lace. He explored her once more for a brief moment.
Inhale.
Exhale.
He got out of the bed. She made another noise, he turned his head, with his back still facing her.
He grabbed a one of his shirts from the small closet.
He sat her up, her head flopped with gravity, and her eyebrows furrowed in discomfort. He held her in his rough hands.
Like she was a baby, he slowly put his shirt on over her limp body.
He laid her down, one hand under her head to ease the fall.
She went back to her small moans of satisfaction. He looked at her. She looked so content. He smirked, touched her cheek one last time.
He turned off the lights, slunk back into bed, pulled her in, and caved her with his arms. Rested his chin on her head.
He didnt know what changed his mind, but he had a feeling that she was worth keeping around. He had a feeling he couldn’t explain.
He wanted to have her to protect. To lay next to every night.
He wanted to fall asleep with her next to him, with that face of beauty and contentment. No one else made him feel this way. It was her vulnerability that attracted him, a vulnerability that he needed to protect. For as long as he could.

Just one of those fucking shitty ass mofo days.

Everything just hit me all at once.
I miss my brother more than anything, and the shitty part is that he doesn’t feel the same way. I’ve constantly tried to talk to him. Tell him how much I miss him and love him, but I get no response. It hurts… I used to have a voicemail from him on my old phone. I don’t have it anymore, so I can’t even hear him…. I miss him so much… And I can’t do a damn thing about it.

In my past New Hampshire life, I was somewhat of a shoulder for all my friend’s heads. I was the hand that patted their back and told them things will turn around. I was their wall they could talk and talk and talk to. I’m still someone they can talk to, but to not be there in their presence, it sucks. When my friends are hurting, I can’t help but hurt with them. I can’t reassure them as much without my physical presence being there. They can’t look me in the eyes and know I’m telling the truth. I can’t be there to grab their hand, to pull them in, to give them a hug and feel their chest pulsing from rapid to calm breathing. I just want to be there for them, and it’s the hardest thing in the world to not be. I miss them all so much, I’m starting to reach a breaking point again…. I can’t explain my emotions and thoughts well enough for people to understand how much it kills me to not have my friends. Friends.. I say that with a heavy meaning. Being out here, I’ve grown to know what that word truly means. And it’s something I’m in desperate need of. Just someone to hug me. Someone to just be with me. Someone that calls me a friend.

I’m just tired. I want to sleep all day tomorrow. But I have to work…. of course. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a better one. I cannot wait for school to start again. I cannot wait to see all my friends again. I cannot wait to see my brother…. I cannot wait to be fully truly happy again. 

Watching from the outside

I’m done and tired. I’ve been replaced enough in my life. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I keep a positive energy going for the most part, but I eventually have to accept reality, go for an early night, sleep, and move on. I’m just fed up with relationships and emotions. I’m gonna turn myself off for a bit.

Friends?

You were once someone I considered my best friend, now I have no clue who you are. Seems like you don’t really care if we’re friends, I suppose that’s my que to stop caring also.
Just sucks because I truly enjoyed our times together. I’m over you completely. It’s just a shame. Some things don’t work out and all you can do is shake your head and take one step forward.

I just chugged coffee…. What is wrong with me….

All You Need To Say - April Chase

Drawing

Haven’t drawn in a while, and I’m feeling those creative juices. Tonight after work. Draw and talk to mom about the plan. Time to put things into action!
I hope I get a good reaction. Probably not, but we’ll see

I suck at goodbyes. Officially…

:(